Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
