last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Found your dick twin last night
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
