i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
