i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
