I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
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So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
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It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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