If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
