He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
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I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
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He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize