They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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