I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
The best revenge is premature balding
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
