Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
