Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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