It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
