alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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