i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Sorry my hands just texted you
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
