help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
