When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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