The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
