Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
