We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
the day after is always just damage control
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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