So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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