He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
