All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
