I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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