I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
