Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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