I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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