Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
