if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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