In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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