Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
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Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
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There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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