Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
