Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
