I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
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We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
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If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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