New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
