I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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