I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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