Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
