The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
