I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
