I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
