you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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