My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
