we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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