So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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