John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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