I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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