Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
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I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
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I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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