had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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