Only a mothe r could love this liver
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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