If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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