The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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